I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I have a crazy movie channel. It has no name, no commercials, no set schedules, no theme … except maybe that most of the movies are in English. It plays everything from A-list blockbusters to random bottom of the barrel flicks like Iron Soldier. And, in one lucky shot, I was able to see a slight moment about a year ago where at the end of a movie it went black and then showed a menu where there was a list of six movies and it finally highlighted on Columbiana. It’s very possible that there’s like a person in a basement somewhere running this channel.
So I was very surprised tonight to find that suddenly it has acquired a theme, at least for a while, and it’s still going.
We started with Metal Tornado, a … a movie. I guess. It was awful. Worst one of the day so far. Besides the fact that it comes off as very anti-clean energy, the graphics are nuts. When “nuts” equals “fucking awful”. The basic plot is this company managed to harvest energy from solar flares. On their opening run, the tests look perfect except for like a 2% loss of power while the systems were covering for like a surge or something, seriously it was bullshit. This 2% turned into a vortex that jumped around and threw pick axes and sucked up silos and shit like that. It starred Lou Diamond Phillips and Nicole de Boer.
Then we move on to Meteor Storm, which is slightly less stupid only because it doesn’t have a shimmery tornado popping around. Kari Matchett is in it, and I love her purely for Hypercube, so I was … uh … happy? to watch this movie. This might shock you, and I’m sorry for any spoilers, but this movie is about meteors. That make up a storm. Of meteors. Blew my mind, too. Groundbreaking. It takes place in SF, and happens because of blah blah blah makebelievescience blah blah. The “cool” guy running around saving lives on a motorcycle is annoying. He could actually take those people somewhere if he took one of those freaking CARS WITH SEATS. That doctor who told that kid to “go home” when he was all of two blocks from the hospital? WTF. The fact that the roads to the hospital were blocked off … what?
(See this post for a full list of the BS in this movie.)
Meteor Storm was followed by the first episode of the mini-series Meteor. This really pissed me off. Screw the meteors (oh, did I mention there are meteors in this one?), all the little stories were fairly interesting. Like the assistant scientist who was running with Doc Brown from their facility in Mexico to LA to give info on a giant asteroid. On the way (this IS a spoiler) DB gets hit by a van. Just out of freaking NO WHERE. It’s amazing. And things like that just kept happening.
But it only showed me one episode! ONE EPISODE! HOW DOES IT END?!?!
Finally we get Miami Magma. Which is like Volcano but with a smaller budget. And in Miami. They use the “super volcano” thing a lot, and you see lots of people die by steam and such things. Plus a lot of oil company corruption to kick back at Metal Tornado‘s hate on clean energy. Lots of fun.
And now, now, they’ve truly decided to torture me by ending the disaster bloc. Or maybe they haven’t. Because this is quite a disaster.