So. 2014 is at an end. Here in Phuket, Thailand, it is almost 9 P.M. and dark. The day was beautiful, and quiet. At least, quiet in my neighborhood. Almost post-apocalyptic in its emptiness. People are all out partying, maybe. Or with family.
Having recently (two days ago) had a wisdom tooth removed, I decided against partying. What’s a party where you can’t just eat whatever you want? Not a good one, that’s what. So, in I’ve stayed all day, thinking about the year that’s gone and the one that’s coming.
I fell down a lot this year. As Howlite recovered (and thank goodness for that), I blogged less. I’d like to say its that I was so caught up in my happiness for her health that I was happy, too, but that would be a lie. Though I was and am extremely happy that Howl is healthy and Anisa as well, I spent much of the year depressed and rolling in self-disgust.
I had seizures. More than I want to admit, even to myself.
I like very much to write, but for most of the year it fell off, just as my blog writing did. I’ve done better the last few weeks, but I feel pale compared to the sort of passion and optimism I felt in 2013. Though few – if any – depend on me, I finish this year feeling I’ve failed people.
2014 was not a bad year. I am here. Healthy. Still moving forward. I traveled, and enjoyed myself. I worked, and enjoyed myself. Watched movies, read books, danced and enjoyed myself. But for the most part I felt adrift.
So here’s my advice to myself for the new year:
Find yourself, again. Find yourself, Darcil, because you’ve become lost in the world of “okay” and comfort. Don’t, on December 31st of 2015, sit and look back on a year of empty time.
(And maybe buy fewer fountain pens… you’re not rich, you know.)